Help clients notice the gap between where they are and what they value
When clients articulate the distance between their current behaviour and their own values, the motivation to change arises from inside them — not from the coach pushing.
When to use this
- When a client's stated values are clearly out of step with their current behaviour
- When a client seems stuck and lacks urgency
- When external motivation (doctor's orders, partner's concern) isn't generating action
- When a client has been saying they'll change for a long time but hasn't
Why this matters
One of the core principles of motivational interviewing is developing discrepancy: gently helping clients see the gap between how they're living and what they say matters most to them. The crucial word is "gently" — this is not confrontation or pointing out hypocrisy. It is holding up a mirror that the client themselves can look into.
The power lies in where the motivation comes from. When a coach argues for change, the client often argues against it. When the client voices the discrepancy themselves — "I keep saying family is everything, but I'm too tired to play with my kids" — the motivation is internal and far more durable. The coach's role is to ask questions that invite this reflection, then step back and let the client sit with what they've said.
In practice
A client has said that being energetic and present for his children is his biggest priority — but he's also been consistently skipping sleep and living on caffeine. Coach (confrontational): "You say family matters but you're running on empty." Coach (developing discrepancy): "You've mentioned your kids a few times — that clearly matters to you. How does your energy level right now sit alongside that?" Client pauses: "Not well. I'm basically a zombie by 6pm. I'm not the dad I want to be." That moment of self-reflection is more motivating than any argument the coach could have made.
What to say
Word-for-word phrases you can use in session.
- "You've mentioned that [value] matters a lot to you.
- "How does [current behaviour] sit alongside that for you?
Then stay quiet. The silence after this question is where motivation grows. Don't fill it — let the client sit with what they've said.
Try it today
In your next session, when a client mentions something they value — family, health, performance — note it down. Later in the session ask: "You mentioned [value] is important to you. How does [current behaviour] sit alongside that?" Then stay quiet and let them answer.
Make it a habit
Keep a "values log" for each client — the things they've said matter most to them. When motivation dips, revisit these values and gently ask how their current behaviour aligns. The client's own words are the most powerful prompt you have.
Watch out for
- Pointing out the discrepancy yourself rather than asking a question that lets the client see it — your observation is rarely as motivating as their own recognition.
- Timing this too early — developing discrepancy before a client feels genuinely understood often feels like confrontation, not care.
- Following up too quickly after the question — the silence after 'How does that sit alongside that for you?' is doing the work. Let it run.
Ready to put this into practice?
Sticky Coach helps you track client habits and conversations — so nothing falls through the cracks.
More tips
Roll with resistance instead of pushing harder
When clients push back, arguing back makes it worse — stepping back and acknowledging their perspective keeps the door open for change.
Elicit change talk by asking for elaboration
When a client expresses any desire, ability, reason, or need to change, asking them to "tell you more" amplifies that motivation.
Use genuine affirmations to build client confidence
Specific, genuine acknowledgment of a client's strengths reinforces the identity and capability they need to sustain change — but only when it reflects something real the coach has actually observed.